[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.