I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
You Might Also Like
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
That’s it.I’m out.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.