When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.