Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH