20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Oh the world we live in…
anyone else like Italian cereal
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The USS B port
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks