Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!