Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
You Might Also Like
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this