When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
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Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I hate when that happens.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.