“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
we all know this pain all too well
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.