I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I didn’t come here to be called names
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it