Cool shirt 🙂
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them