Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
This fish is cracking me up
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Proctology is located in A55
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.