Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.