I am crying
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my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Heroic Misunderstanding
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.