For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.