Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
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To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.