“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
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There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
…żyje?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.