Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
that de-escalated quickly
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.