An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written