After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair