welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.