For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
You Might Also Like
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today