ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Oh boy, $150,000!
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball