If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Lucky old June.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??