[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
screw you
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.