me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
.. do you even science?