A bold strategy
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I cannot call her anything else now
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.