My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more