Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I hope they boil the right one.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Something Saturday.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.