Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Stop it! 😂
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle