“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.