5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.