When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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Try and stop me.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.