Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.