i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Good morning, Twitter x
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name