Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Every time.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Ugh but profoundly
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]