holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’