Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
crochet youtube is brutal
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.