Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal