If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
how high up are we talkin’?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time