me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*me flirting
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“