Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I don’t know what to do
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Y’all ready for this
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people