I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.