Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
You Might Also Like
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way