You Might Also Like
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The best shot in the history of golf
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.