Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My five year plan is a meteorite
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.