I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*