The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Need WebMD
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol