Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.