Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.